Disclaimer: These jokes are not
meant to offend anybody. They are here to make people
laugh, so don't take them personally! Those of you
out there who ARE taking them personally, then lighten
up... they're just jokes.
A Primer for Beginners
Get an accordion. The cheaper the better because
they all sound the same. Do not tell anyone what you
have done - it will only cause them to worry. They
will find out soon enough.
Take the accordion out of the case and strap it on.
It is better if the accordion rests on your chest
instead of your back but, for the first few weeks,
it doesn't really make that much difference.
For sounds to be produced, three things must happen:
The bellows must be moving in or out. One or more
of the keys or buttons must be pressed.
All potential weapons within a one mile radius must
be collected and secured.
The third is the most important:
The buttons on the left side are chord buttons.
The "C" button has a dimple or nipple so
you can find it without looking. (This is a safety
feature. Before it was invented, thousands of accordion
players suffered painful and sometimes disabeling
injuries - much to the delight of the general public).
Never use more than three buttons. "Professional"
accordionists appear to be using lots of buttons but
they are acutally just desperately trying to find
the damned "C".
"Professional" means they have learned to
smile while they do it.
Play the black and white keys.
The high notes are at the bottom and the low notes
are at the top. (That arrangement isn't supposed to
make any sense. Accept it.)
Note: If you find the high notes at the top and the
low notes at the bottom, you have either put the accordion
on upside down or you have tried to repair it yourself.
If the former, turn the accordion over.
If the latter, pack your accordion up with thousands
and thousands of euros and mail it far away for a
long, long time.
Continue playing until someone begs you to stop or
threatens your life, whichever comes first.
Put the accordion back in its case.
Order an accordion t-shirt and wear it to the fleadh.
Whenever I play my accordian, I experience
severe chest pain. What am I doing wrong?
This is a fairly serious problem among beginning accordian
players. Luckily, the solution is simple: be sure
that you're wearing a shirt. If you ARE already wearing
a shirt, then you're probably suffering a heart attack.
Be sure to check with a doctor as soon as you're finished
My accordian is a half step lower than the
other instruments in my band. The other musicians
keep complaining. What do I do?
Undoubtedly, you've thrown your lot in with a group
of unappreciative people with little or no talent.
However, if you wish to humour them, walk several
hundred yards away from the group. At the beginning
of your solo, run rapidly toward them while playing
your accordian. The doppler effect will make it seem
that you're in tune with them.
My spouse has threatened to move out due
to my practice schedule. I usually play from 3:00am
to 5:30am. How can I save my marriage?
You can't. You really should be practicing for longer
than that. We would suggest starting earlier, perhaps
What's a gentleman?
Somebody who knows how to play the accordion, but
What's the range of an accordion?
Twenty yards if you've got a good arm!
What's the difference between an accordion
player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between an onion and
No-one cries when you chop up an accordion.
What's the difference between an accordion
and a concertina?
The accordion takes longer to burn.
What's an accordion good for?
Learning how to fold a map.
Why is it good that accordion players have
a half-ounce more brains than horses?
So they don't disgrace themselves in parades.
What's the difference between an Uzi and
The Uzi stops after 20 rounds.
What do you call a group of topless female
Ladies in Pain.
How do you protect a valuable instrument?
Hide it in an accordion case.
What's the difference between a chainsaw
and an accordion?
A chainsaw can be tuned.
A man walks into an antique shop and notices a brass
rat sitting on one of the top shelves. He asks the
clerk, "How much for that brass rat?". The
clerk says "Well sir, it's €25 just for
the rat, and €50 if you want to hear the story
that goes with it. Take my word, you'll want to *hear*
the story." The man says "No, I believe
I'll just take the rat for €25."
So, this fella takes his brass rat and heads down
the street. Right away he notices that a *real* rat
is following him, so he makes a quick turn down the
next street. He passes an alley, at which point about
a half-dozen rats come out and start following him.
This guy is getting pretty panicked at this point,
so he starts heading out toward the outskirts of town.
When he passes the town dump, *hundreds* of rats stream
out and follow him. Our hero is beside himself at
this point, so as he passes the river that winds around
town, he tosses the brass rat right in the drink.
Every last one of the real rats follows the brass
rat into the river and drowns.
Relieved, our protagonist heads back to the antique
shop where he got the brass rat. "I knew it!",
says the clerk, "You're back to hear the story
about the rat, aren't you?". "No sir",
says the guy, "I just wanted to find out how
much you're asking for that brass accordion I see
you've got up there."
1. Play an accordian - go to jail!
2. Three rows and you're out!
Minimum safe distances between street musicians
and the public:
Fiddle Player: 25 feet
Bad Fiddle Player: 50 feet
Tone Deaf Guitar Player who knows 3 chords: 75 feet
15 year-old Electric Guitar Player with Nirvana fixation:
Accordion Player: 60 miles
What's the difference between a piano accordian
and a button accordian?
The button accordian burns a little faster.